A Different Feeling
Today I had a good dream. A dream, that one hopes to have every night, full of fantastical creatures where a struggling hero finds the love of his life, conquers evil, cherishes his mother’s company and brings mushrooms as gifts. I experienced a long lost feeling today, in the early few minutes of dawn. This is the kind of feeling that I know I once felt regularly, but somewhere along, I lost it completely. It is funny how twenty seconds of a particular feeling can bring back so many memories and remembrances. For a split moment in time there felt as though things were easy. It felt as if I did not need pseudo motivational videos, late night sexual exchanges, hollow consolations and unnecessary adrenaline burst to do what I desired. For that fractured point in time, things seemed so much within reach and I felt as if there was nothing dragging me down. It made me remember how you magnified my powers logarithmically with your mere presence. It was the single strongest proof of love that life will ever provide me in any realm or any timeline.
Whereas in my everyday conscious life, when I am apparently self aware, I can’t forget the fact that you are no more; while in this dream I had no idea. You were the same as you had already been — young, beautiful, beaming with the widest smile in the neighbourhood and all the things that ever existed or will ever exist. For me, you have always been the sum of everything that there was, everything that is and everything that ever will be — all of them interacting via a fracture in the space time continuum. I can’t get the image of your smiling face, in a yellow-golden coloured suit, out of my head, You’re as resplendent as the midday sun and yet your light and dark iris reflect the calmness of the sub polar moon. Your form had the opulence of a Goddess coupled with the humility of a mother.
This morning was so much different from other mornings. There was no void today. It didn’t feel painful to breathe after a long long time. I didn’t feel guilty about the previous night anymore. I felt as if I was back in 2015.I was still looking forward to the rest of the day, which I rarely do. I didn’t feel worthless and I didn’t feel the impending doom of gargantuan tasks that lie ahead of me. This has made me appreciate your presence even more. I cannot thank the stars enough that I got to breathe the same air as you or that I could experience your touch, your gentle tender Godly touch that I could never comprehend while you were still around. The earth has existed for 4.543 billion years and the very fact that I was lucky enough to be present during those 20 years while you were around, will continue to be my greatest achievement. It’s a matter of marvel at the cosmic odds that I was lucky to be alive during that period (0.00000044 percent) of the age of the earth.
I think the saddest part is that I got to wake up every morning to your face and the exact same feeling and it all went unnoticed for the first twenty years. My love for all superhero movies stems from this hope that one day when I become powerful enough I could punch a hole in the space time construct, so that I can go back to the past to hear your lullabies, to tease you more, to wake you up with bread and breakfast, to go to more book exhibitions with you and to do countless many things that I am too tearful to think about now.
Or maybe Big Crunch happens during the course of my life and then we can be trapped in this endless loop of love, life and death. No matter what happens or what not happens; no matter time goes forward or backward; no matter how the forces of nature try to define our relationship. I am sure of one thing and that is that I will see you in the stars and I will be coming to you for my love, no matter how many epochs it takes. The entity of time and endlessness are not potent enough. Till then, I will see you in my dreams.
